Key Takeaways and Highlights

Gap thinking vs gain thinking

Gap thinking is when you are comparing your current situation to an ideal situation. This often leads to negative thoughts and feelings because you will rarely measure up to an ideal one. An example of this could be you are 32 years old and have been working at your current company for 4 years. You are a valued member of your company but have been at the same position for the last 2 years. You thought by now you would have been further along in your career and making more money. You feel down because your friends are further along in their careers than you are. 

Gain thinking is when you compare your current situation to a time in which you had less progress. This usually happens when we compare our current self to a past self. Using the same example from above, you are 32 years old and have been working at your current company for 4 years. You are a valued member of your company but have been at the same position for the last 2 years. You acknowledge you are not where you would like to be in your career but you remember you made a career change 3 years ago. Because of this, you had to learn new skills from your previous experience. You accept you are further behind in your new career compared to your friends but are happy with your current position. 

Gap thinking often leads to feelings of failure, disappointment, jealousy, depression, and guilt. Whereas gain thinking leads you towards satisfaction, progress, gratitude, optimism, and confidence.

Mental subtraction

Whenever you are in the gap about something, think about what it would be like if you didn’t have the thing that is putting you in the gap. An example of this could be you are angry at your dog because he destroyed his bed. Again. This is the 3rd dog bed he’s obliterated and there’s stuffing all over the living room. Although it’s easy to get angry about this, it’s not going to help the situation. Instead, try to think about how much happiness your dog brings you and how excited he is to see you everyday when you get home. Even though having to clean the room and buy another dog bed is annoying, most people would rather do this compared to not having your furry companion.

This can be a powerful mental exercise to get you to break your negative thinking and put things into perspective. When doing this exercise, try to remember details about the situation that was worse prior to being in your current situation. This will help truly appreciate the gain of the situation instead of the gap.

Set “gap” and “gain” timers

Life happens and there will be times you feel crappy about something. You cannot always avoid going into the gap. The key is to not dwell in the gap for too long. One way to do this is by setting a gap timer. 

When something happens that puts you in gap thinking, set a “gap timer”. This is the amount of time you can sulk, pity yourself, feel like crap, etc. Once the timer goes off, you must move on from the negative feelings. This gives you time to feel the emotions of a situation but prevents you from being stuck in those emotions. 

For example, you are trying to lose weight and you only check your weight once per month. Unfortunately, this month you gained a few pounds. Once you notice you are upset with yourself, set a timer for 5 minutes. You can sulk about how you were busy with work and had to eat out more often. Or how you had family obligations and wasn’t able to work out as much. Once the timer goes off, you let go of the negative feelings. 

Instead of just letting go of the negative feelings, let’s go one step further by setting another timer. This is a “gain timer”. Use this time to reflect on what you could learn from the experience or what you could do better next time. Think about how to turn the gap into the gain.

Some examples of this include:

• What did you learn from the experience?
• What are positives that came out of the situation?
• What is something you can improve on for next time?
• What is something that you were made aware of that you didn’t know before?

Doing this will help refocus and point your energy into something productive instead of destructive. This gives you more control and ownership of the situation instead of feeling powerless. Set your “gap timer” duration appropriately to the situation. You may need more time to process an unexpected car expense compared to being late for work. Also, set your “gain timer” for a longer duration than your “gap timer.” It takes longer to think of a solution than it does to stress about the problem. Try setting your “gain timer” to be twice as long as your “gap timer” and go from there.

Always measure backward

The best way to be in the gain is to compare where you are to where you used to be. But how do you know exactly where you used to be? The only way to know is by getting in the habit of tracking certain metrics in your life. Most people have a general idea of what their life was like in the past but it usually only revolves about big picture things. 

For example, you want to get back into shape and remember you were pretty healthy 5 years ago. You remember you used to weigh less, eat healthier, lifted weights, and ran. But if you didn’t keep track of your weight, body fat percentage, how strong you were, how fast you could run a mile, or other health markers, how do you know exactly how healthy you were compared to now? 

You can keep track in a detailed or simple way. Journaling, reflection questions, or just jotting down a few sentences are all ways to track your progress. The main thing is to be intentional with what you are tracking. I recommend taking some time to figure out which metrics are important to you and why you are choosing those metrics. You can always add or remove metrics as you see fit.

Scheduling regular reflection time will help ensure you are consistent with measuring your gains. The frequency you track will depend on what metric you are tracking and how close you are to an evaluation checkpoint. For example if you are trying to reduce your weekly spending, you might need to track your progress daily. But if you are trying to reduce your monthly spending, weekly tracking might work better. 

Accountability 

Measuring your progress (noun form) will ensure you progress (verb form). If you are trying to make improvements and create gains, then holding yourself accountable is essential. 

An easy way to do this is to note “3 wins” that occurred during the day. Have these wins be associated with your goals. You can either have all of them be towards one goal or 3 different goals. This will help you focus on making gains and build confidence in working toward something important. You then should write 3 goals for tomorrow. Don’t do more than 3 because if you have too many priorities then you won’t prioritize any of them. Remember, this is not a To-Do list. You want to pick goals that will help you get to your goals and require some resistance. The idea is if you accomplished these 3 wins, it would be a successful day. 

If you want to take this a step further, get an accountability partner. Ideally, this person will help support you, motivate you when you need it, and help you stay focused on your goals. But the mere act of having to report to someone will make people more likely to follow through on something. This is why having a gym partner can be helpful in the early stages of becoming healthier. You wouldn’t want to skip the gym and leave your partner hanging. Set a regular time to share your wins with your partner. You can even share your 3 daily wins. Make it quick with a simple text listing the 3 things you accomplished that day.